What Was I Supposed to Do? Read online

  Everyone was on the same page as me because it did not take long for us to get settled in the bleachers. The DJ turned the music back up, and that was when I realized this was more than just the DJ and the lady with the nice voice. There was a group of ladies seated behind the DJ.

  Hmmm. What are they about to do?

  It didn’t take long for me to find out exactly what was going on.

  “Peace! Peace! Peace, Queens! My name is Ni’cola Mitchell, and I am the founder of the Girls Who Brunch Tour.”

  Ni’cola? Hmmmmm, I like that name. It sounds exotic. I got so caught up on her name, I missed the question that she asked all of us. I saw the majority of the girls raise their hands, so I must have missed an important question. Hopefully, she didn’t ask about the food.

  “Red, raise your hand,” Officer Meade bellowed out.

  It didn’t matter where I went. People always gave me that name because of my red hair and skin. My momma called me “Ginger,” but everyone else called me “Red.”

  My grandpa told me a long time ago to never move with the crowd. He said that I should make sure I knew what I was being asked before I just followed the crowd, so instead of raising my hand, I did the next best thing.

  “Can you repeat the question?” I asked,

  Officer Mead had a look of disgust on her face, but Ni’cola smiled and repeated what she had said.

  “How many of you are certified as adults?” she asked.

  Ooooooo that was the question. Dang! I didn’t know there were so many of us. I really thought it was just me, I thought to myself.

  Slowly, I raised my hand and joined the crowd. Even though I was not sorry for what I had done, hearing it out loud always made me feel ashamed. I still could not believe that I had done this shit, but hey. It is what it is.

  I expected Ni’cola to become nervous after learning this, but she did the exact opposite. She smiled at all of us. “I am, and I was you,” she said softly, but firmly. She then began telling us her background. She had been raped a bunch of times, had her kids young, and was even brought to a place like this after a fight when she was younger. She was so transparent with her story that I had tears in my eyes. I didn’t know what it was about this lady, but I promise you, I was beginning to like her.

  The room was silent. Ni’cola told us all about her prior pain and trauma, but she confirmed she was still standing. She then explained all of her accomplishments. She had written mad books, ran this organization, and was even featured in Forbes Magazine. I never actually saw Forbes magazine, but I knew that Kylie and Kim Kardashian had been featured there a bunch of times. I knew that this Ni’cola lady must have been kind of important.

  As she spoke, her voice was so soothing that I just wanted to be her friend.

  What did she say that her company was called? Girls Who Brunch? I definitely knew I was going to look her up when I got out.

  When I first got to the event, I was so anxious to get some food. Surprisingly, I was disappointed when Ni’cola dismissed us to get some food, so that she could bring in the panel. I had tears welling up in the corners of my eyes because I really felt that she understood us. I hurried up to get my food, realizing how excited I was to see what the rest of the day was going to bring.

  .

  Christine

  “What are we going to do?” I asked. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking as a pulled out another Newport Slim to smoke.

  The palpitations of my heart felt so intense. It felt like at any moment my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

  The front door opened, and James came back in. He sauntered his ass up the stairs in silence. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, but instead, I didn’t say anything. Even though he had pissed me off so badly, I was happy to see him.

  The spring evening was unusually cool for April, but I had the air conditioner turned all the way up on high. I was afraid of this virus thing. In my head, if I kept my house cold, I might have a fighting chance against getting sick. Goosebumps appeared on my arms and I attempted to rub them out.

  It was my first time seeing this ninja since he had decided to stay at his house when this shutdown started, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It was his fault I didn’t go get Harper out of Juvie. She said he hurt her, and I just could not see that shit! This man did everything for Harper, like he was her real dad. I just couldn’t believe he would hurt a hair on her head, let alone rape my baby.

  “James! What are you doing?” I yelled up the stairs. I could hear him up there rumbling through my stuff.

  Even though I was mad at him, I couldn’t lie. I needed him to make love, fuck, do something to me ASAP. I had been going out of my mind waiting for him to come back. Ever since the day I met him, I had not physically slept with anyone else, and I was proud of it. Usually, he did an awesome job, and I needed a refresher package.

  Hopefully, I was not the only one burning with a desire to make love. Hopefully, James wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  “Baby, can’t you turn down that air conditioner...just a little bit?” James yelled down the stairs.

  Chuckling to myself, I stood up and headed to the control box.

  “Anything for you, sweetness,” I called up to him and turned the temperature down a few. His job had him quarantining alone, but damn! What about me?

  “What is that smell, Christine?! I thought you said the cat was gone? You got to start doing better, man, especially with this virus shit going around. What happened to the cleaning supplies I left here the last time?” James’ voice was full of irritation and anger. He was totally killing the mood I was in.

  I did put the cat out the last time he was here, but hell! He and Harper were both gone, and I hated being alone. Tyri was my only friend right now. When he came back, I sure did let him back in.

  Suddenly, James came down the stairs with a full duffel bag. His masculine frame was so inviting, but his face said something totally different.

  If he would have called me and said that he was coming by, I would have made sure that the house was somewhat presentable, but he didn’t. He just showed up – unannounced and mad. This was some bullshit.

  I rushed over to him, unbuttoning my skin-tight jeans. I wanted to show him that I meant business. My body was amazing. I had a petite structure with large breasts and apricot skin that I had covered with a green tube top. My blonde hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail to keep my hair out of my face. I struck a seductive pose and smiled at him.

  “Damn, James,” I said in a whiny voice. “You don’t miss me?” I impatiently waited him for him to respond, exposing my breasts. “C’mon, baby. Why are you just standing there? I can’t wait. I missed you so much. I know you miss me?”

  Usually, that line worked on James like a charm, but this time, it didn’t. The look on his face was one that I was not too familiar with.

  “When was the last time you washed your ass, Chris?” he asked. “I can smell you. Clean up this house and take a shower. You know, the house has to be decent for Harper to come home. When is she coming home?”

  Damn, I knew I wasn’t fresh, but did he have to call me out like that? I had been depressed with all the shit going on. The only things I had to comfort me were my cigarettes and some Boone’s Farm wine. It had been years since I used drugs, but my skin told a different story.

  It had been months since I had last seen Harper, and she only called once a week to check on my daddy. Even in Juvie, Harper’s voice was strong and didn’t need me. She owed James and me an apology for stabbing him, but he had the nerve to be worried about her coming home? She lied on him and to the people! Hell naw, she was not coming back here until she changed her story. I needed the money that James gave me for this house and could not afford to lose that to anyone, especially not my child!

  “I don’t know when she is coming home,” I told him. “Her court date was put on hold with everything transitioning to virtual. I think her ass needs to sit in there anyway though. Her anger issu
es have to get under control, and I need them to give me a bigger check for having to deal with her craziness!”

  I rubbed my hand on his chest, trying to turn his attention back to me.

  “Come get in the shower with me, baby,” I said. “Come wash me.”

  I looked up into his smoky, hazel eyes and smiled. This man was so damn fine, a Michael Ealy look-alike with light brown skin and beautiful eyes.

  “Naw, man! I am about to go,” he said. “I only stopped by to get some more of my shit. How am I more worried about your child than you are? Get your shit together, Chris, and get your baby home. Don’t call me again until you have an update on Harper, okay?”

  Not waiting for me to respond, he pushed passed me and opened the door. I couldn’t believe this shit. Harper was all he cared about. What about me?

  As the door closed behind him, I went back to the couch and relit the cigarette I was smoking. Yeah, I will clean up, I thought, but after I get my nerves together.

  Harper

  It had been a week since the Girls Who Brunch was here, and I was still smiling. The leader, Ms. Ni’cola, I swear, I just love her. The event was SO GOOD! The other speakers answered our questions one by one. Some were even crying from being so open and vulnerable, telling us all of their secrets and giving advice on how we could be better.

  I am not going to lie. I have been to so many “empowerment” events, where the women tell us they are just like Beyoncé and woke up like this. They talked down to us, but this event was so different.

  The DJ was a female DJ on the radio here in Vegas, who I had seen on so many flyers on Instagram, and she was right there in Juvie with us. Everyone was so dope. Another lady brought food and supplies for us all the way from D.C.

  We can’t get our stuff until we are released from custody, but just knowing that the stuff was there for us when we left here was a great feeling. My mamma hadn’t even brought me anything or came to visit me. This lady, who was an absolute stranger, made sure that all of this was done for us. I would never forget her.

  That’s how I was feeling when I was called down to Visitation and found out it was Ms. Ni’cola. I sat down across from her at the table, shocked. I thought she said she lived in Atlanta. Why was she still here?

  “Peace, Queen!” she said softly, smiling at me. “How are you doing?”

  The way she said “Peace, Queen!” was so powerful! When I heard it, it just made me light up and I felt like I was really a queen. I sat up straighter and responded in my best voice, “Peace, Queen,” I said back to her.

  “I brought you some hand sanitizers and gloves. I know it is not the cleanliest in here, and with this virus going around, you can’t be too careful. I planned to stay here for two weeks, but I am leaving tomorrow to make sure I can get back home before anything else happens. But, before I left, I wanted to drop off a bunch of hygiene stuff to you. You are going to need it when you go home,” she said.

  Even though I didn’t know when I was going home, I did appreciate her thinking of me.

  “So, Harper,” she continued, “the real reason why I am here is because I wanted to give you some good news. I saw the look on your face when I mentioned you going home, but I am serious. You will be going home today – well, not home, but at least to your aunt’s house.”

  She stopped talking to see my reaction, but I didn’t have one. I had heard the words that were coming out of her mouth, but my mind was not comprehending what she was saying exactly. I sat frozen in my seat. I couldn’t move, let alone blink. I was just trying to take it all in. The only aunt I had was my Great Aunt Laura, and she was not too fond of me. My grandmother passed away before I was born and Aunt Laura was her sister. She lived in Pahrump, a little country city a few hours away from here.

  I wasn’t sure if it was because I was half-black, or because of the situation that led to me being born, but something made this woman dislike me. She would often say, “You are pretty for one of those mulatto girls, but you are going to have a hell of a time finding a good man to be your husband.”

  Why did she wish bad on me?

  I would tell myself that she was mean to me because of her beef with my mamma and my upbringing to keep me from hating her. Or, maybe it was because of my relationship with my papa. Whatever the reason was, it made it even harder to believe that she had agreed to have me come home to her. But at that time, I was happy with anything.

  “After you confided in me that you were pregnant,” Ni’cola said, “there was no way I could live with myself if I left you here. I know firsthand how it feels to be pregnant as a teen, but I also know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been able to do it in a place like this. I spoke to Officer Mead and your social worker, Ms. Manuel. They both agreed that this was not the best place for a baby, especially with all that is going on in the world. You need to be safe and at home – not behind bars.”

  Still in a daze, my head started to spin. Damn! Hearing those words spoken out loud made things so final to me, and I hated thinking about it.

  Yes, I am pregnant, but I had been trying to pretend that I wasn’t. On top of all the other shit that I had going on, worrying about a baby was not at the top of my list of priorities. Hmmm, maybe that is why Aunt Laura was taking me in? She felt sorry for this baby, like she felt sorry for me?

  I found out I was pregnant a few days before I got here. Besides James, I had never had sex before, and my period was very inconsistent. So, my period being delayed didn’t spark any concern, but I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t stop throwing up. The feeling was so bad and I felt so weak that I took an uber to Smith’s Food King on Civic Center and picked up a test.

  Sitting on that toilet in their bathroom felt like an eternity, but it did not take long for the test to read positive. I was really pregnant by that fool. All the while, my mamma acted like that dude was so amazing.

  Yea, I knew the story of how he saved her ass from the streets. A modern-day superhero. He met her for a “date,” found out she was a mother, and wanted to protect us. He bought us from her pimp and the rest was history. Yes, you heard me right. My mamma had a pimp and was on crystal meth for a long time. Her face told the story. Even though she was only thirty-three years old, the drugs had made her facial features look almost like Skeletor from Star Wars. If Papa didn’t have all those pictures of her before she was on drugs, I would have never known how much I looked like her. My mother was beautiful, but life kicked her ass horribly.

  James did help get her clean. He helped her get public assistance, an apartment, and now, he was our family. She even tried to make me call him Daddy James, but Papa always advised me not to do it.

  “When you start giving people titles that they truly did not earn, it sets you up for a world of trouble in the future, you hear me?” I remember Papa saying. “That man is James and if he or your mamma have a problem with it, you have them call me, okay?”

  That is what sparked all the rage inside of me to stab James. It was already bad enough that that fool had the audacity to come back and forth into the house after doing this to me, acting like nothing happened, but now, I had a piece of him growing inside of me? That was going too far, especially because my mamma had wanted so badly to give him a baby. In her head, she thought that was going to make him move in full-time, but I had heard her say on the phone to her friend that he was always “too careful.”

  So, if this dude was so great with protection, why did he not only rape me, but didn’t even have the courtesy to wear a condom?

  That shit blew my mind every time I thought about it. I thought I could keep it a secret, but once they book you, each inmate must see a nurse and get a complete physical. Since I hadn’t had my cycle, they made me pee on a stick.

  When my social worker, Ms. Manuel, came to speak to me, she asked if I knew I was pregnant. At first, I tried to appear devastated, but the look in my eyes told on me.

  “Harper, I need you to be honest with me, okay?” she said. “Is that the
reason you stabbed your step-father? Is he the father of your child?”

  She asked me this question with so much concern in her voice that I wanted to believe she cared about me. I nodded, yes, and stared at the wall. The situation was horrible, but what else was there for me to do? At least I knew who my baby daddy was. A lot of girls my age didn’t even know that. Hell, my mamma didn’t know who my daddy was. I guess I was a step ahead of the people – fucked up situation or not.

  Outside of the staff, I did not feel comfortable telling anyone what was going on with me. At least if I could keep it a secret, I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone trying to hurt my baby. Although I really hadn’t been eating, the bulge in my stomach was growing every day. The hospital scrub type of top I wore helped to hide my secret, but for how long?

  So, when Ms. Ni’cola came over to speak to me in private, the words, “I’m pregnant” just blurted out. Even though she could not physically touch me, the look in her eyes confirmed that hugging me was all she wanted to do.

  I told her the entire story – about how James, my mamma’s long-term boyfriend, raped me and tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. I told her about how I had to go day in and day out in that crazy ass house, watching my mamma kiss his ass. The whole time his child grew inside of me. I told her about how once I found out that I was pregnant, I stabbed him, and my mamma still stood by his side, saying fuck me.

  I didn’t want to even look at her because I knew she was going to be disgusted by all this crazy information. However, by the look on Ms. Ni’cola’s face, she felt just the opposite, and I knew that she took me seriously. Her reaction was the way I would assume a mother’s would be if she found out about her daughter, not putting her man first, like my mother had. This woman was a Godsend.

  It blew my mind to know that she was working on my situation before she left Vegas. No one ever cared about me like that. The tears just ran down my face as I sat across from her, and I could help but smile. It sucked that it wasn’t my mamma fighting to get me out, but at least I was going home.